“PURPLE PASSION” WITH PRINCE AND BRETT FAVRE
by Mary Mack, copyright 2010
ACT ONE: “PREGAME, THE METRODOME”
EXTERIOR, FIELD VIEW, PRINCE’S LUXURY BOX AT THE METRODOME
SEPTEMBER, 2010: Through the Metrodome’s luxury box glass we see Prince standing, arms crossed, staring blankly out across the Vikings football team pre-game calisthenics on the field. Brett Favre stands next to him looking out as well. He is fully suited in uniform and pads, other than the pair of Wrangler jeans he wears. Favre speaks in extreme southern drawl, while all words from Prince sound very sophisticated.
BRETT
Hey Prince. You got any sandwiches up here?
Prince remains expressionless, doesn’t move.
BRETT
Catch the game last Monday?
Prince nods slightly.
BRETT
Well all right. Some pieces are coming together. Obviously we still got some work to do. You ever play?
Prince has no response.
BRETT
You like Elvis?
Prince nods slightly.
BRETT
Born in Mississip.
PRINCE
It is so.
BRETT
He was the king. Guess that makes you next in line, ya think?
Favre makes the Elvis lip, moves his hips slightly, and starts to cry a little.
PRINCE
Gather yourself.
BRETT
You got a wife?
Prince stares blankly, disinterested.
BRETT
You hunt?
PRINCE
If necessary, I would hunt.
BRETT
What for? Wild Turkey? Get it?
PRINCE
No. Have you gained weight?
BRETT
Deanna says I have. I guess.
PRINCE
She is lovely. Invite her to my luxury box.
Before Favre can thank him, Prince has vanished. Other than perfect pitch, this is one of Prince’s main super powers.
BRETT
Huh. Well, I wonder if he’s coming back.
Brett waits with arms crossed, begins to hum the chorus to “Raspberry Beret” rocking back and forth on his feet.
BRETT
(under his breath) So this is what it feels like.
EXTERIOR, MEN’S RESTROOM METRODOME
Prince exits the steel door marked “men.” He holds the door open longer than normal as he examines the long line of men either face-painted or wearing protruding Viking horns waiting for a spot at the urine trough, which we can also see through the open door. We see the backs of a side-to-side line of horned men doing their business. Prince (dressed like Prince) walks away.
ACT TWO: 2ND QUARTER, 4th and 55 yards, VIKING POSSESSION
BACK TO PRINCE’S LUXURY BOX AT THE METRODOME
Through the glass, we see Deanna Favre standing next to Prince looking out over the game. She and Prince wear dark glasses and talk like spies.
PRINCE
You must cancel his cell service.
DEANNA
I can’t. We have the family plan…
Her cell phone rings.
DEANNA
…Oh hold on. Hi Brett. Yes, I do think you should question Coach’s decision not to punt here. It’s just ridiculous. I know you’re doing your best, baby. (Hangs up phone.) Sorry. It’s that time of the month.
PRINCE
Women have power, Love.
DEANNA
Broad statements aren’t helping me right now.
PRINCE
Precisely. Stay and run bleachers with me after the game.
DEANNA
Thanks, but I usually do that with Brett on Tuesdays while the rest of the team is at practice.
PRINCE
He shan’t on a broken foot.
DEANNA
I carry him on my back, like the “one set of footprints in the sand” story. I rely on faith.
PRINCE
Refuse. Disinterest and disconnect have always served me well.
DEANNA
Then why do you come to the games?
PRINCE
I practice not using my facial muscles in times of distress—a natural botox replacement.
Deanna nods impressed, and like Prince, has no facial expressions.
PRINCE
Has he lost weight yet? Purple can add pounds.
DEANNA
No. He’s a stress eater. He binges. Besides, he’s a grandfather now.
PRINCE
Time eludes us. I need him to lose 17 pounds.
DEANNA
Right. Like it’s 1999 or something.
Prince lowers his sunglasses to look at Deanna as if he is up to something.
PRINCE
If you can’t cancel his service, I want you to at least drop texting and picture mail from his plan. It is hard on his elbow and throwing arm all that texting. His accuracy is off.
A football hits the luxury suite’s window. It is one of Brett’s inaccurate throws. Prince dramatically caresses the glass.
DEANNA
You are wise. (She turns to leave, but hesitates.) May I seek your counsel again?
Prince has already vanished.
ACT THREE: “POST GAME MEETING”
INTERIOR–BUNKERS MUSIC BAR, DOWNTOWN MINNEAPOLIS, MN
Favre enters the bar wearing a t-shirt and Wranglers. He forgot to take his fanny-pack-style, hand warmer muff off his waist, even though it is Semptember. He takes a stool next to Prince. Prince drinks a fruity beverage from a champagne flute. They listen to a funk band.
BRETT
Deanna dropped texting from my cell plan.
PRINCE
It will serve you better.
BRETT
You like music?
Prince blinks.
BRETT
Johnny Lang comes here. We danced once, and I hurt my ankle.
PRINCE
I last saw him at church. Will you come? You will be cleaned.
Brett burps, and takes a big gulp of Guinness. Prince slides the Guinness away from Brett and replaces it with a diet cola.
BRETT
Hold up. That doesn’t have as many calories as people think it does. Plus it helps me build cartilage.
Prince half floats, half walks to the dance floor.
PRINCE
(singing) Ooooh, ooh.
Brett stays at the bar and sneakily trades the cola back for the Guinness. An attractive woman enters and sits next to him. Brett tries to impress her.
BRETT
They just drained a gallon of somethin’ from my ankle.
Prince magically appears next to them and firmly speaks to the woman.
PRINCE
Remove yourself, Satan!
Confused, the woman gets up and leaves.
BRETT
Thanks, man. I owe ya one. Next mimosa’s on me.
END
Mary Mack's Semiannual Blog 
This was awesome!!
lol. So silly.