Email Boxing Coupon

Mary Mack's Boxing Bag

Today there was a coupon for boxing classes in my email box.  “Oh for neat.” I thought. For I want to learn about boxing or really, hitting, in general, because I am angry.  I don’t want to talk about the anger, however.  I want to talk about the coupon.

Attached to the boxing classes–in that coupon package–there was a personal training session included.  After seeing that, the game was off.  Do I have to do that part just to get the cheap boxing classes?  I do not want to be personally trained.  Someone in my face telling me to do something is not desirable.  That’s why I work for myself, because I don’t tell myself to do anything ever.  I just see what happens on accident.

Perhaps an indifferent trainer would be alright, though, if he’s REALLY indifferent.  Maybe someone who sits on the other side of the room, and checks in from time to time to see if I am still there.  And if I leave, that’s okay too.  He’s mostly just making sure I am alive while in the building. Anywhere else is out of his domain, and he is never going to call me with more good deals on personal fitness, because he doesn’t care.

Perhaps this boxing/workout establishment offering the coupon will let me take the 6 boxing classes and skip the personal training, but that’s improbable. That is the whole catch of the thing.  Probably, business at the personal trainer division has been very slow.  No one has signed up for the personal sessions, for they are embarrassed to have someone know what poor condition they are in.  I feel that way, as well, and I don’t want someone to lure me in with a coupon to believe that my embarrassment is less important than my health.  It’s just as important.  My constant prediction of me getting embarrassed in all aspects of life is pertinent to my survival:  It stops me from doing dumb things, or from leaving the house.  When I was little I didn’t predict enough embarrassment and I left the house.  Most times I left the house, I stepped in duck shit.  (We had ducks.)  I wasn’t planning ahead and predicting embarrassment.  Now I may have parasites.  I don’t know.  It’s too embarrassing to ask a professional.  Predicting embarrassment keeps me from getting hurt.  That’s why I don’t own rollerblades.

So here is this coupon in my email where one part is great and one part is a real downer, but a real boxing bag is so alluring and it’s less than half the price!  That’s how they try to keep you coming back for more like a druggy or like an automobile owner.  Beware.  If you personally train with someone one time at a discount, it’s a lot like using an oil change coupon:  You go in thinking you’ll do about 15 crunches and one pull up attempt and leave unscathed, but then you find out you gotta come back the next week to replace your quads and get your triceps rotated.  Plus you need a flush.  I wish I could support that, but I am just too lazy and embarrassed, and I think I can find something else to hang up and hit right from the comfort of my own home.

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That Stache is Coming in Hard.

Inspiration found in Pavano's Public Stache

Kudos to the Director of Photography and all the June 15, 2010 homefield camera operators for adding punchlines to Bert Blyleven and Dick Bremer’s musings on Pavano’s ‘stache and others’ potential staches on the computer generated stache cam.  (Slowey did not look good with the mustache.)  The camera folks took an artistically long amount of time showing a variety of mustaches on fans in the stadium, and I think it was some of the funniest and best camera work this year.  The timing with the commentary was right on.  I am going to watch that game again on my mlb.tv (not a good product) just for the camera work.  Sure there may have been some stuff going on at field level, but who cares.  This was part of baseball and what you would notice if you were actually at the game.  This was life and a photo essay all rolled into one, and choreographed with Blyleven’s round about vocal stylings.  I am inspired and will soon self publish my poem Carl Pavano’s Mustache.  It will probably become a mini series on the Hallmark Channel.

Guest commentator, Joe Nathan, did a nice job at trying to keep Bert on track that night, spelling Bremer a bit to have his own fun.  That’s my favorite part of the game:  seeing how much Blyleven can digress.  I love him.  A couple games ago (or “episodes” ago maybe, since there’s been a nice through line and story arc with the whole facial hair thing), Bert made the awesome comment, ‘That stache is coming in hard,” regarding Pavano, and that has set the tone for the rest of the season.  That stache is coming in hard.  Bert could work for air traffic control, but then nobody would be able to land, unless Dick Bremer came in to call the directions.